[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
You Might Also Like
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Unimpressed
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I put the mess in domestic.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.