[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
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people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
an airline just for babies.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer