[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
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They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Note to self: I am a note
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Carpe DM
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”