Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

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[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!


“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff


Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.


“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.


Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.


[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out


“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.


*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*