Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
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When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.