coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
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Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.