Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
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Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
i guess his teacher was really pissed
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Effort made
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit