Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
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Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
me irl
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I’ve been learning to cook.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck