Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.