Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Blew out my flip flop…