Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
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Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.