@WheelTod Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
@Amusitr0n [coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
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@WheelTod 
@vladchoc Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
@LitBiden [commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
@Lisabug74 The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
@abbycohenwl [spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
@ArfMeasures ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
@WittySassBasket Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
@abbycohenwl Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
@emmatheist Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
@ojedge [1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]