Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
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explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
WTF IS THAT!
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.