Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
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My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something