Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
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A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
#TopTip
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.