Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
You Might Also Like
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
this makes me so uncomfortable
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
do you guys realize there鈥檚 a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn鈥檛 really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 馃巹馃巺馃徎馃寖
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
It鈥檚 so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you鈥檝e already seen the post they鈥檙e showing you
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn鈥檛 oatmeal delicious
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking