*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
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This is my bus stop.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
excuse me
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad