Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
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me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me