Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
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Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Goodnight 🐶
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.