[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
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Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime