College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
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*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Animal poetry
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.