College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
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[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Anyone really
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
A small tragedy.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?