College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
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No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
#NeverForget
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.