College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
You Might Also Like
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Think I pulled my liver
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I’d love this…lol
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything