College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
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Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?