college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
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CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.