“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
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FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.