College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
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its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
my mom making me talk to relatives
Boy never ceases to amaze me
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota