College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago