colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
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Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you