colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
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Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Something Saturday.