colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
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I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.