Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

😂😂

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

I just ran a .003048K

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.