Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Oh the world we live in…

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell