Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
May never get over this
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that