COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
You Might Also Like
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”