“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
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Waiting for the Charmin
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.