Come back after dark. Bring your friends
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Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Someone just threatened to call me later
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.