Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
You Might Also Like
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
That lamp looks PISSED.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.