Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
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The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I saw nothing
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Wikigenius
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.