Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
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HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.