@Sanbel11

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

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@traciebreaux

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

@dubstep4dads

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

@ZachWeiner

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

@MaryKoCo

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

@Inferno_V

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

@Home_Halfway

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

@ramblinma

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

@notmythirdrodeo

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

@jon_snow_420

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

@ArfMeasures

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small