-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
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he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
getting groceries
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
What a chick magnet..
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?