“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
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Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
me, too, girl. me, too.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.