“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
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After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Going to church you guys need anything
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.