“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
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My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Fat chances are my favorite chances
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
“what that mouth do?” complain
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
War & Peace
What
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die