‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
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One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….