“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
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Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Stop.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I enjoy a good short stor
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).