“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
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[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me: