Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
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I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.