[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough