[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
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“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
umm…
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.