*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
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It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.